(no subject)
Dec. 26th, 2004 09:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
besubversiveI'm rarely speechless, yet I've found myself without words, or the right words, for several days. I haven't known what to say here, or to my family. The diagnosis is heartbreak and silence is a symptom. Nothing to say. But the word "mutiny" occurs to me from time to time; it sneaks into my thoughts by itself and with only chest pain as a partner.
And now I'm trying my hand at words again. I've got phonemes, punctuation, grammar. Sentences. This will become a paragraph and then a page.
Family makes me crazy, but mine is amazing at the same time and they find ways to pull me from my meloncholy on occasion. Christian is a delightful 12 year old cousin who asked me to rub his head last night while we watched a movie. His mother, my aunt, used to ask me the same thing when she was pregnant with him. My cousin told me it puts him asleep, and I haven't touched anyone for ages. He also asks me intelligent questions and yesterday, we sat on the couch together for hours, both wrapped up in novels.
These little things bring me back from the causeless shame and the damnable aching. My father and his pancakes. My alarmingly beautiful cousins of cousins inviting me to a movie. A kitten who warms my lap for hours as I read. The gift of a bracelet engraved with my initials; my aunt will never know how dear I found it.
This is my family and so, once, were you.
And again I'm speechless.
And now I'm trying my hand at words again. I've got phonemes, punctuation, grammar. Sentences. This will become a paragraph and then a page.
Family makes me crazy, but mine is amazing at the same time and they find ways to pull me from my meloncholy on occasion. Christian is a delightful 12 year old cousin who asked me to rub his head last night while we watched a movie. His mother, my aunt, used to ask me the same thing when she was pregnant with him. My cousin told me it puts him asleep, and I haven't touched anyone for ages. He also asks me intelligent questions and yesterday, we sat on the couch together for hours, both wrapped up in novels.
These little things bring me back from the causeless shame and the damnable aching. My father and his pancakes. My alarmingly beautiful cousins of cousins inviting me to a movie. A kitten who warms my lap for hours as I read. The gift of a bracelet engraved with my initials; my aunt will never know how dear I found it.
This is my family and so, once, were you.
And again I'm speechless.
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no subject
Date: 2004-12-26 05:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-27 06:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-26 09:52 pm (UTC)sending some wet kisses to you girl!
no subject
Date: 2004-12-27 06:54 pm (UTC)I'm so sorry...
Date: 2004-12-26 09:55 pm (UTC)~Deidre
Re: I'm so sorry...
Date: 2004-12-27 06:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-27 06:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-27 06:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 06:54 am (UTC)And sometimes... not usually, but sometimes,
being sad is the perfect feeling.
xo
no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 07:09 pm (UTC)