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Apr. 12th, 2005 02:12 pmI wish I had a tranquilizer or something. Seriously.
Apr. 12th, 2005
(no subject)
Apr. 12th, 2005 04:49 pmI'm a moron. Seriously. Why the fuck do I do these things to myself?
One professor called it "Self Sabotage."
Dr. Segal, most admired of my teachers, said, "You could have handled Senior Seminar. You had the highest grade on the first paper. You're a GOOD writer! What could I have done to make it possible for you to DO IT?" She gave me a tissue and asked that I talk to someone.
This is school. What about the rest of my life? Am I going to fuck that up, too?
I can salvage this semester, but... what about after college? Who's going to want a student who took 5 years to finish a degree in English, with a history of letting people down, and so practiced in the art of seeming okay that she doesn't even recognize when she starts fumbling?
Should I bother attempting anything after this? All I want is some nice job in a library and a little space for living. I don't care if I don't do anything innovative in "my field." Give me a habitat that is green and containing likeminded queers, and I'll be so happy and fulfilled.
Now more than ever I need to be reassured that my self-worth is not directly equal to my academic performance. I'm smart, but I'm tired.
One professor called it "Self Sabotage."
Dr. Segal, most admired of my teachers, said, "You could have handled Senior Seminar. You had the highest grade on the first paper. You're a GOOD writer! What could I have done to make it possible for you to DO IT?" She gave me a tissue and asked that I talk to someone.
This is school. What about the rest of my life? Am I going to fuck that up, too?
I can salvage this semester, but... what about after college? Who's going to want a student who took 5 years to finish a degree in English, with a history of letting people down, and so practiced in the art of seeming okay that she doesn't even recognize when she starts fumbling?
Should I bother attempting anything after this? All I want is some nice job in a library and a little space for living. I don't care if I don't do anything innovative in "my field." Give me a habitat that is green and containing likeminded queers, and I'll be so happy and fulfilled.
Now more than ever I need to be reassured that my self-worth is not directly equal to my academic performance. I'm smart, but I'm tired.
